Grief.

What I’ve learned about grief in this last year is that it can be very odd, difficult, confusing, complex and overwhelming to deal with. Regardless of the intimacy of the relationship, the concept of separation until we meet again is a hard one to truly grasp.

Though my faith keeps me steady, my heart doesn’t know how much it can take and stretch and process. It seems there’s more ebbs than flows and by the time we leap up and out for air, I am pushed back down into the waters of grief.

Another challenge I’ve come across is pushing through the waves and coming onto the shore with a greater perspective to live intentionally, out loud and with purpose in mind. And just as I’m getting onto the sand with that vision and mantras in mind, I’ve found myself knocked back in wavy waters of grief again – SWOOSH. Ugh, another loved one gaining their wings – man, another one!

Then shortly after the crash of waves, I hit myself with, “Okay, what’s the grief game plan? What do you need Pearl? and what are your responsibilities that you have to tend to in these next 24 hours? Keep this plan, okay because someone else is going to go and you need to be ready, but let’s hope it’s not for a long while” – I say to myself. It’s become quite the cycle recently because loss has been so prevalent in my world lately.

When I look at photos of my closest and with some of my closest, the first thoughts that come to mind are “these would be the type of photos I’d hope to see in their obituaries or in mine”. I know, not the best thoughts, honestly heavy thoughts, but my honest thoughts. Those photos capture such radiant memories that when I’m saddened by their separation from this world, I can look back on memories that I can forever cherish. Then instantly, I find myself praying, asking and begging God to please keep them and allow us to all grow old together.

My family says I take death hard and I process very sensitively. Yet what I’ve discovered is that my empathy towards the process and perspective from seeing death so often in nursing, has molded me to be more aware of this complicated journey. It’s not an easy experience to work through and it’s filled with a wide range of emotions.

Everyone grieves and processes things differently and that’s okay and it’s important for our loved ones to allow us to process things in the best ways that make sense to us.